NBTD

I don't know what goes on in my mind seriously.

It's like I wanna make ppl happy, but they don't see it that way. Then I try my best to be happy and nice; I get taken for granted.

It's always been a lil confusing. Things just happen at randomness and it makes me feel as if I'm not making progress, not getting the point through. Or maybe I'm not the one, but I feel that responses are random and therefore I feel taken aback.

I used to wake up for a reason. Until now, I still do. But it is slowly, becoming vague; day by day.

My mom asked me, what I wanted to do today. Or for that matter, the whole year. I told her it hasn't been easy on me lately. But I also know it's no excuse for me to laze around or procrastinate. I'm still working, studying (homeschooled way, don't ask), socializing and doing chores. But when she asked me, "what do you wake up for?", I stoned. Stunned. Speechless.

For once, I had nothing to say back to her. And I was angry with myself for that. I felt like blamming my mom, but all I could was blame myself.

Nothing is solid anymore. I'm not solid. You're not solid. My life is not solid. I have a direction, but no purpose. It has been lost within me. My heart always feels uneasy but I bear with it. I'm proud of myself, that when I hang out with my friends, I no longer show them that I am scared or sad.

I feel like crying. But I hold it in. I feel like giving up. But I have envisioned a future.

What if I was kidnapped? Will anyone actually go frantic?
What if I was abused, will I be cared for specially?
What if I was dying? Will I be granted my selfish wishes?

Is it wrong to love so deeply and tolerate but get hurt in the process?
Why do we show that we love sincerely with our hearts, but yet question the process of getting hurt?
Why do questions of the heart have to be a logical one?
If all things were a reasonable doing, why do some ppl go to the extreme of showing that they love someone?
Isn't love an individual but yet partners uniqueness?

Then again my mom's question comes into my head.
"What do you wake up every day for?"

It makes me think, maybe I shouldn't wake up anymore.

But I can't do that, can I... it will hurt everything that I've worked so hard to attach back. Furthermore, the vision is still something I'm hoping for.