Thursday, August 31, 2006

The family bonding

What came to mind when I posted that?

Family dinner?
Picnic?
Dota together ?!?!?! <>

Hahahah. No. You're wrong.

I had to wake up freaking 9am to go play badminton with my fam and my bro's friends. Sleepy all the way~ When I reached there, play for awhile, then I ate, coz I was playing on an empty stomoch, more over I was SLEEPY. Then after sparring with my dad, my mom took over. I watched them from the other court.

OH.MY.GOD!

They look freaking cute when they play I tell you. My mom though I know she's tough and sporty sometimes, hits like a little girl but still the shuttlecock goes over the net =P My dad, can really play! But I saw the way he rallied with my mom, so.. "giving chance" kind of person. My mom jumped like... a little girl also.

Later on, my dad and bro, played a game, *laughs out loud*, ahem; My brother lost. He lost 2 sets and won a set :P He took it quite seriously at first, and then he cooled off and accepted his "defeat".

I, on the other hand, took every free second I had, to sleep. I seriously CANNOT play properly all groggy. But when it was my turn, *Wahlaaa!* I did pretty well =P Lalala.. okay next topic.

After badminton, the whole lot of us, went to eat in this mamak which apparently had nicer food than "Sri Pandi"; For those who don't know, check it out at ss15, i think there's one there. Anyway, all I can say is, my INDO MEE, was pathetic. A baby could have finished it in like 10 minutes. Not as big as I wanted, (ya know, after badminton and all...hungry la)..but ok-lah. Still acceptable. As usual, everyone eles's food came first and mine was last. I thought, it was very good coz took so long to make. Even my brother's maggi goreng came first! Wah, then when it came...damn potong stim wei. My brother's friend also said so! Imagine ppl saying that before you eat your food! Ruin the mood weiiiiiii >"< But nvm, all is done and I had a "great" Indo Mee :P despite the unmajestic looking, babyplate.

After that, we all went back. I felt so sleepy, when I got into the car, barely 5 minutes, and I K.O-ed already. But no! God didn't want me to sleep in the car, he made my brother's mouth even noisier than ever!!!! Plus his friends...WAHLIAO! Cannot tahan laaaa =\ So, all the way home, I was closing my eyes, but their "LOUD" voices kept ringing in my head T_T. When I got home, as in outside my gate, I took my things, demanded for the key, went up to my room and laid down. It was HEAVEN I tell you. I slept for 15 minutes or so, then my mom bang my door..."Sarah! Bring ur dirty clothes down...NOW!" T_T There goes my sleep again! I did what my mom wanted and, then I couldnt sleep already. Though tired, but just don't feel like sleeping anymore. Went online for a while. o2jam for a while. Watch TV for a while. THEN ONLY I SLEPT! And now, I'm up, *just woke up* and posting this ...random post. Family bonded, right?!

*Now everyone goes into a group huggG!*
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*Not enough air*
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*Fainted*
Reason: Someone farted.

Whoa~ "I smell something burning ... in ur pants!"

Why this won't come in handy? Because fire burns more with the help of our friendly dandy, O2. That will mean, Bigger farts, bigger fire and a painful ass :P

Once again, Happy Independance Day =)

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Merdeka! Merdeka! MERDEKAAA~~

Wahliao, sound damn patriotic right? :P Lol

In another 3 and the half hours or so, it's gonna be Independance Day for our multi-racial country, Malaysia =)

Are you proud to be one?
Erm, does maybe count?

What have you contributed being a Malaysian?
Erm, my existance as one? ... as in a physical human body existing in Malaysia... Make sense RIGHT!!?

What do you love about your oh!so!Beloved country?
:p Food...oh food ~~~ Apa-apa pun ada.

Do you think you would ever migrate?
*Thinks hard...* [After 2 years...*still thinking HARD*]

What is so special about Independance Day?
*Nyahaha... I can go out!*

How would you celebrate it?
Going out with my friends, and inventing the merdeka juice :P Lol .. *ahem* I mean, watch fireworks, shout merdeka at 12am, wave the BIG BIG MALAYSIA flag...and sing 'Negaraku'...
(Yeah right...HAHAHA)

If you were in school, and there was one rule that you can change for the day, to look patriotic, what would it be?
Everyone wears the national color, blue, white, yellow and red, socks, uniform, shoes, hair, fingernails, toenails, oh yeah, your underwear too. LOL!!

Erm, I'm stuck. can't think of anymore questions.

Happy Independance Day ya'll ^_^ May the politicians bless us!!!

cheaper petrol pricing
cheaper toll
cheaper MEGA SALES
cheaper water
cheaper electricity
CHEAPER EVERYTHING!!!

*mumbles mumbles mumbles....*

*BEEP*

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

W.T.F?!

God! I feel like an idiot.

Argh.

Changes

There was once someone told me that everything is going to be okay, think positive, be happy and always cared for me.

There was once someone who always stood by my side no matter what, how hard or how complicated the situation.

There was someone who understood to love unconditionally, sincerely but yet stay sane to tolerate and learn from mistakes made or annoying situations made by me.

There was someone I could talk to, whenever, wherever and about whatever. Fun, yet interesting convos.

There was a person I who gave me the best of everything, who knew me better than anyone else, who told me that the future is bright and it has been 100% for sure.

There was a person who stood committed once, and slowly got eaten into the temptations of lives.

There was a person who was like a prince.

I guess I've been living my own fairy tale. Not 100% real or unreal. Merely a fantasy. People change, and sometimes they can change rapidly. Dramatically all of a sudden, you see a different person. But that is growing up I guess. Maybe there is a line between changing for the better, bad, naughty, changing towards being the norm, or just plainly experimenting.

I've always put high hopes on the value 'understanding'. I always thought it could be resolved. I was always ready for whatever obstacles that may come and I always thought that we could go through it and learn from it together. But looks like there were many times we weren't on the same wavelength. I don't blame anyone. It's just being human. As you grow up, you want more things, crave for more explorations and you look at things from a different point of view.

What's in it for me to move on? Being carefree and happier.
Where the hell do I start from? Scratch.
Who would support me all the way? Currently, I don't know. You, you and you.
What do I have? Nothing but myself.
What is stopping me? My scar. My brain. My feelings. My fears.

It's like you fall down, you have this big wound on your leg; scratches, deep cuts, loose skin, blood, pain. You needed stiches. Say, 15. You need time to heal.

Then, you see your friends and peers playing football, basketball, even just walking, you want to join them. But you can't.

To some, I may just be stating all the excuses that can be made. Twist every single word. Unfortunately, I'm not. I feel alone, confused, hurtful and even physical pain that comes from no where. Near the chest, my head, and my stomoch. I know I'm not falling sick but yet the pain never seems to leave me. I'm not daunting on the problems that exists right now, but neither can I help myself in being a happier person. Every time I'm happy, after a while, relapse comes and I dwell in it again.

I'm not the playmaker, nor am I the player, but it seems like I'm being played. I don't understand myself and how some people look at things. I've played into the devil's hands and now I'm just a pathetic being wondering on the face of the earth.

I've given, forgiven and given again and again and again, but to no avail, no result. I don't want anything in return, but just an acknowledgement will do. See whether I even exist anymore.

How long will I take?
My heart never seems to be at ease.
I'm neither here nor there...so what does that mean? Maybe that is why I feel confused.

I feel like running away,
Running away, from all the problems,
For I when I break down at times,
No one understood,
But they only know how to shoot,
To shoot at the most fragile place,
The soul, the scar, the heart.

"I'm all by myself, trying to solve the problem of myself." - babychocolattes,06

P.S:
Please, don't bother taking this post seriously. It's just one of those days where I feel the world owes me something and I just need to complain and let it out. I don't really care whether I'm right or wrong, it's just me expressing my thoughts and trying to debate it out within myself. If anyone thinks I'm pathetic, a loser, a non-move-on-with-life person, then I'm sorry that you feel that way. I'm not pointing anything at anyone. Period. Think one milimeter more and you would wonder all the wh-questions. So don't.

Heck, it is AFTERALL my blog.

Have you?

Have you ever wondered or experienced something or someone being so close to you once and then suddenly it all disappears?

Have you ever came close to something but yet you are so far away?

Have you ever lost something or someone important in your life?

Have you ever wonder why you do the things you do? Is it because you have to, you like to or you want to or you need to?

Have you ever wondered how something so precious could just easily break?

Have you ever wondered what matters to you most in life?

Have you ever wondered why shit happens?

Have you ever wondered who you are might not be who you want to be?

Have you ever wondered why you lose things or people dearest to your heart?

Have you ever lost yourself?

Have you ever wanted to go back in time? Or would you rather change it in the present times?

Have you wondered why people gossiped about you?

Have you ever wondered what you think of yourself?

Have you ever wondered what people think of you?

Have you ever pre-judged anyone @ first impression?

Have you ever lost your mind?

Have you ever regret things you've done? What and why?

Have you ever wondered whether people are playing with your feelings or your mind?

Have you ever expected something too much?

Have you ever lost hope?

Have you ever had a thirst to prove yourself?

Have you ever wanted to express something or say something but you weren't able to? Or you were just afraid of the outcome?

Do you ever think before you talk?

Have you ever been labelled uncool or lame? Why do people categorize you that way?

What is being cool?

What is being lame?

Have you ever loved someone deeply and constantly try to make the best out of it although you were in a delicate or stressful situation?

Have you ever tried explaining yourself to other people for the things that you do that they presume wrongly?

Have you ever wanted to show that you could be the 'one' but it backfires a lot but yet you still try again and again?

Have you ever thought why questions were made?

Somehow, I feel that my honor is being played or rather my integrity is shaken by mere thoughts and words spoken. Why do I let myself do things that will hurt me?

Anyway, I think that all the questions are very subjective, quite vague not really thought provoking, but it's a start =) Get my brain engine to go again ^_^

I have a new resolution before this year ends; To be the person I was before all the shit happened.

Happy, fun, playful, cheeky, funny [Erm, I'm not that humorous...maybe], cute but yet sarcastic, a little daring and a little more interesting.

How I'm going to reach that potential... I really don't know. But it won't hurt for me to try but yet I can't force myself. I'll take it slowly.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

More facts about me? @@"

It's 11.45pm.. and I have not fallen asleep yet. Sigh. This is bad because if I don't sleep now, I will wake up late tomorrow, as I always do on Mondays but later. What am I supposed to do T_T

Current mood: Sad, a lil depressed and thinking about unproductive things.
Craving for: Nice animes to watch, someone to take care of me, food [ice-cream, egg tart, maggi mee, indo mee, anything that u can cook in 3 minutes]
Plans tomorrow: Maybe go to Mid Valley, if there's anyone to accompany me. Need somethings.
Playing: Music {Angelus}

Argh, brain lock. Can't think of anything to write about. This can get annoying sometimes.

Neway, grandma's bday today. I missed going to Mid Valley and also church. But it's for grandmama so it's alright. Went to lakeview restaurant to eat dinner with the rest of my relatives. My cousin brother, Darren made this sketch book cum photo album which came in black and white pics of us all for grandma. I think she liked it, I dont know because there wasn't much expression on her face.

Ever thought of friends abandoning you? Well, I have thought about it lately and I came to a conclusion. Friends who abandon you = not friends in the first place. I don't really mind, just that sometimes you really got to know ppl and they leave you just like that; it sucks big time. I'm not much of a socializer and I don't like to be in the center of attention unless it's the people I know.

I still consider myself quite an insecure person as I need to always have someone I know that can stand by my side when I need them. I need to have words of affirmation to know that I'm loved. It's not merely words to me, but they come with meanings. Right now, I feel a little confused, though at times only, but still I always have doubts after doing certain things. I do think before I do whatever I do, just that when the daunting feeling comes, I get shaken away from my believes or my purpose.

What things can please me? or make me a happy person? When I get to have [good] fun. As in, it's very mutual and understanding, not those crazy crazy kind of fun. Like for example, when a friend makes a joke, it's nice to know that we're thinking on the same frequency so that misunderstandings can be avoided. I'm quite a serious person when it comes to jokes because I don't know how to react to it, and constantly told that I'm not sporting, not fun, or not cool, just breaks my spirit even lower. Although, I don't know how to take jokes sometimes, as long as I'm in the same frequency as you, I can joke back and sometimes become sarcastic. Despite saying that, I can also be very protective of myself, maybe that explains me being quite a lot.

On the other hand, I also can be a party chic; if I wanted to. I may be new to it and all. But I don't think that it will be hard to adapt to. Once I know how to party and dance my arse off, well I guess then people would consider it "kewl". But to me, though I could party, I still behave morally. I don't like strangers in the club, touching my arse or plainly touching places they aren't supposed to touch. Unless you're my boyfriend. That's different :P I wouldn't drink till I'm drunk and not "waras" enough to drive home. I wouldn't just follow any guy who wants to meet me in person to someplace quiet. Etc. I don't have to be a party animal to be able to enjoy myself. Dancing itself, is already a fun point.

*I guess my boyfriend doesn't have to worry if people touched me whatsoever, coz I wouldn't let them =) Unless you want to play the role of being a protective honey and defend my honor! Hahaha... I would love to have someone who could...though. *smiles to myself*

Lol, back to the point...

What else what else...hmm..

Somtimes, when I'm down, I just remind myself that I'm different from other people or the people I mix with so that I don't feel too left out. It's nice to get in the fun, and into the convos and for me, it just isn't natural. When you see me getting into things, you know it's natural, because it's hard for me to "act" it out. I'll feel damn uncomfortable. I can't please [everyone] for being myself nor can I live up to [everyone's] expectations. I want to make ppl around me feel happy all the time if I could. But sadly to say, I'm not the person who makes a leader. I'm quite timid when it comes to crowds and people. Too self-cautious I think. Blame it on my low self-esteem.

At times, I think I'm coming across a personality conflict. Although, I am who I am, and who I want to be, I always have to overcome 2 things which is being nice and also being a fun and spontaneous person. I can never do both at the same time. I have trouble expressing myself so that ppl can understand me or what I'm saying.

After all I've said, I can only end it with...how in the world did it go from grandma's bday to personality conflicts? Hmmm.. off topic wei.

I'm still young =) and childish at times but I can think straight. Just lately, I haven't been able to drill my brain properly in spite of being creative. All I can think of are unproductive things. How will this month end for me? I don't know. I'm just going through it day by day.

"I may be a nice and kind person, but that doesn't mean your chances of taking advantages will be a success, because you'd never know." - babychocolattes,06

P.S: I just realized that lately, I haven't been posting picture entries, lol. I'm guessing whoever is reading this blog of mine will be bored out of their mind because most humans are more interested towards visual things. But that's okay =)

Friday, August 25, 2006

Money

When you have money you will /can...

- Satisfy yourself
- Indulge yourself
- Support your family
- Help friends in need
- Buy a luxurious car / dream car
- Shower your girlfriend/boyfriend / spouse with beautiful expensive but yet meaningful gifts
- Pay your own bills
- Have savings
- Invest without worrying whether you will have enough money in case unexpected things happens
- Help the poor
- Do more charity work
- Have a nice cozy but yet exclusively comfortable house
- Make your children happy
- No financial pressure
- Lesser stress (Might not happen, maybe coz you work a bit too hard to get the money in the first place)
- Eat healthier (Healthy food are expensive)
- Your children's lives will be easier to start off (Inheritence)
- Take holidays overseas
- Appreciate money
- Build your own business
- Send your children to better schools
- Enjoy a grand lifestyle
- Make more money
- Don't have to be in debt

Is money THAT important?

I would say so. I would disagree on statements such as "money cannot buy love" because many incidents have proven that statement wrong; a subjective matter. "Money cannot buy your family"...I agree, coz everyone knows that we only have one family regardless of anything else.

People work hard for money but yet they do spend it unwisely at times. I guess when people first grasp the feel of being rich they tend to indulge themselves a lil too much, maybe?

Can you live without your family's love or pressence? Can you live without a companion? Can you live without friends? Can you live without love and care? Can you live only for money?

Can you live WITHOUT money?

Think about it. If your parents passed away(God forbid), your relatives getting older, spouses abandoned you, friends don't care about you, children care less about your existence, you having health issues, work stress, and come home to a beautiful house but an empty home, are you willing to give up all your money and wealth to gain non-material things back?

For me, at this point, at 17, money is important to me because I feel that I need to support myself and not burden my family. As they are already working hard, I cannot bring myself to contribute financially or physically because I don't want to. For 3 years, I've worked for my own allowance to have fun and be merry as a teen. I'm not saying it is a mandatory thing that every teen has to do. It is but a privillage. That is why I will want to earn my own income so that if there are anything that I overused in the house, I can pay up for it without stressing them out. Money in my case, is not for spending on self-indulgence items but merely to give myself a little boost on financial incomes. I feel that I need to have my own money since my parents do not give me an allowance. Neither do I want to become their burden that cannot give anything in return. I have so many things I want to do that they don't approve and therefore I would earn my money and go for it no matter what they say. It's not like I'm doing drugs or anything. I just want to venture into performing arts, as a basic; dancing, figure-skating, sports, etc.

But in another view, I value my family, friends and loved ones more than any amount of money in the world. Let's say if my family needs money urgently and desperately, and a person at the right time offers me a contract to work at a certain field (not prostitution), but I have to be overseas for a duration of 2 years. I would. But, if it requires me to do immoral things, no matter how easy the money is, or how much the money, I will not do it because I value myself, and my honor as a female and as a person.

"Money, is like women; Can live with it, yet you can't live without it."

"Money can be renewed/recycled but your virginity only exists once and only once...." - babychocolattes,06


So, if you could choose for a happy long lasting life with your loved ones over money that bring you so many other things, which would you choose, and why?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Remorse

U know the feeling when you over-react towards something, due to sudden uncontrollable mixed emotions, that you regret later?

Sad to say, it does happen to me. Frequently. Not thinking before acting and the result you get is remorse.

Maybe I don't know how to express myself properly, people understand it the wrong way. Maybe I'm lying to myself. For giving up so many chances but yet, no end result that I wanted. I'm so afraid to go into things fully that I retreat until I feel like rubbish.

What am I to do?...

Volunteery work

Such a saint ain't I?

Rephrase that sentence puh-leez. Yes, I went do volunteery work. Guess where? At the zoo =) Well, it was tough work for me right from the beginning my alarm clock rang. I had to wake up at 7am and get ready to go by 7.45am...and I was so groggy I couldn't talk to anyone, coz all they heard were mumbles =.=

Anyway, we got stuck in the jam, on the way to ampang...I think... Er.. and then, we had to call the zoo authority coz we were going to be late. So much for the "first day of work" enthusiasm huh? =P We signed up and I was kinda terrified of what might happen to me coz I really didn't know what to expect. We gathered at this room with another 2 of my friends, my brother and his friend, then the lady in charge spoke!

"Hey! Wassup?"
She asked which department we wanted to be, and I thought of the performing area or feeding animals or, kitchen work or being with the penguins. But she said only the kids world and the kitchen needed help. So i picked the kitchen. So much for picking my choice; they didn't want me. Haha. They didn't NEED my help. Okay, so we moved on to the next place and the next that MIGHT need help.

In the end, after much walking, Elliot (a friend) and I got assigned to the birds area while my brother and his 2 friends helped out at the kid's world.

At first glance the birds house looked nice, and decent, but that's just the outside. The inside, however, was DIRTY! DIRTY! DIRTY! There were dried bird shit everywhere and the place stunk! Grosssss...I was complaining to Elliot about how disgusting it was and how I couldn't survive in there. Lol. I think after a while he got annoyed :P Sorry la.

My first job was - cutting food for the birds and washing up the so called "dishes and plates" that were used. NOT so bad. But I didn't like touching the raw stuff on the plates, it's just slimmey and .. ugh. Let's not talk about it. Washing up took an hour or so. My supervisor, Mr. Fendi, was like those Discovery Channel dudes who do shows like "Crocodile hunter" or "Mad something something...". He wasn't bad looking and he kept asking me questions like where I was from and bla bla bla. The usual "greetings" you get. I was kewl about everything until another supervisor came in. He looked scrawney and skinny...Oh! and VERY talkative. He was always talking to me, and asking me stuff ; Elliot thinks that he was hitting on me.

"Yo dude! Look what I can do!!" *Squashed*... [Please do not try this at home]

We had break around 10am. Resumed work at 10.40am. We had to change into those black knee length boots. It was kinda uncomfortable coz I could feel something inside it. We went to one of the bigger bird cages...and rake leaves. Sad to say, there were those big BIG GIGANTIC ants T_T that could fall off the tree. Some fell on me, I freaked and I didn't want to rake anymore. When they bite, its so painful man. I just stayed away from the trees.

Sort of how the ants looked like...big right :X

Still, there was another obstacle to overcome. Birds shitting and pee-ing from ABOVE. Luckily for me, I managed to dodge all, but Elliot...uhm not so lucky. Haha. Lucky it wasn't shit though :P Neway, I was back at the kitchen, this time, peeling bread (Gardenia) mind you, into "small" pieces. Then Fendi, asked me to cut fish. RAW...fish. Ew! It smelled, and it was scaly and slippery...ahhH!!!! I never thought I would be doing this!! But then I thought to myself..."hey it's not so bad, this is like housewife in-training programe HAAHAHA". To make things worse, there weren't just like 50 fishes...but more than a hundred to cut into 3 slices!! The head, the body and the tail. It was hell I tell you. A very gross, painful and smelly job. After cutting the fishes for 2 hours, my wrist was on the edge of disengaging from my arm-.-" (exaggeration of words making it more dramatic!) HAHAHA :P

Dead fishies. Mine were a bit wetter, black-er and erm...yeah..that's it. More or less.

BUT! I endured thanks to Elliot keeping me distracted, laughing and also talking while doing our work. Then it was LUNCH BREAK. Oh~~ How I yearned to hear the word since like an hour ago. Heaven blessed me. We walked to this place called "Marrybrown" ; I think some of you heard it before. Neway, I ordered food, and fell asleep there ... for like 15 mins. When I woke up, the 4 monkeys weren't around! So, I thought like they left me or something T_T ... But guess where they were ?! OUTSIDE Marrybrown. *My heart beat a sigh of relief* After eating, it rained. Drizzled. And then, it rained more heavily. Elliot decided that we go back now since lunch break is almost over.

First we WALKED in the rain. Then we RAN. As we ran, the rain got heavier -.- God was playing with us hahaha. We got SOAKED wet. When we reached the bird house, our supervisors said we played in the rain =.= !!! We just laughed it off. Our next job was, to clean the cages. I don't know where Elliot went but I had to go into bird cages to pick up bowls and all those gross stuff you can find, take it out and wash them in the kitchen. B.U.T...it paid off! I fed EAGLES! Pretty and handsome ones *luv luv* oh! oh! and I got to hold one horn bill on my arm~! :)

Say hi to Aileen.. or is it Ilean...The hornbill I held! Exactly the one!

Alright, so back to the point. Work ended at 5pm. I couldn't feel my legs. I was sweaty, smelly and tired. And guess what my parent's REWARDED us ?
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McD!Now I know what's in like Behind The Scenes :P Do you?
Wanna try it out? Nyahahaha..!!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Edited

Last post I wrote was when I wasn't thinking straight. If I could just say; it was an emotional moment. It was done, and leave it at that.

I need to work out =( my cravings are back. Must be period. hehe

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Er?

Nothing nice to blog nowadays...always emo stuff that's why I don't want to blog about it. I've been sleeping a lot =.= My hours and my sleeping routine has changed so much that I sleep in the morning and wake up at night. As in sleep at 6am and wake up somewhere in the afternoon. Which is not.good.at.all. Vampire in-the-making. Or maybe panda? @@...

I've downloaded O2jam to entertain myself because dota in blueserver has become too laggy for me. Music is definitely healing coz when I first tried this game, I got addicted to it already -.- So much for willpower huh? :P

Erm...I've really got nothing to say-lah. My mind is at an utter blog-ade haha. Anyway, it's August; Welcome to the shopping spree! Mommy dowan to take me out shopping sob.

Btw, if anyone wants to arrange a badminton match, squash or just jogging together, feel free to call. I'm really looking forward to spending my time outdoors coz I can't be kept at home; I'll go nuts- and I mean NUTS. So please, PLEASE call if any of you guys wanna do sports together !

I will be looking forward to pwn-ing ur asses! Nyahahaha ... just kidding. Don't kill me pls. Give me chance k ? :P

Other than that, I should stop blaming myself even for the tiniest things coz I don't think I'm thinking straight when I do it. These are called after-effect-symptoms.

Jap test is coming and I could take the proficiency test if I could. Well, good luck to me and hope that I survive failing or, succeeding or, etc etc. Blar blar blar...

Well, there. One entry after a while. Hopefully there would be more interesting things happening to me soon. Right now, I just want to relax and take a break coz I think I deserved it =)

Chio for now >"<

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Refreshing

Ahh...a break from everything else has allowed me to cool off for a bit. Last Sunday, I went to church, with J, KJ and Des (nyak nyak, initials *angelic smile*. It was good for me, as I felt God's pressence and I felt that he cared. I prayed for forgiveness and also guidance as I really don't know where to go or what to do from now onwards.

Going out just to chill for a bit, also helped but all that had consequences :P On Monday, I fell sick. Fever, cough, sore throat, headache, body ache, and I just felt sooo...tired. I slept from the night before till Monday night @ 8.30pm. =.= I'm such a pig, I know. But when I woke up, I felt a lil better, and got vit C frm someone lol. Nice to know ppl do care. Anyway, that was just a lazy day.

Today, though I don't feel all that well, still feel as if I has asthma and I'm tired but I went jogging, for 1 freakin hour! Hahaha =) Now, THAT was refreshing because I seriously pushed myself until I came back, nearly collapsing lol. Though it was only an hour, later on I did 100 sit ups and leg exercise so, I feel a bit loose now :)

My internet has been a bitch to me. I don't like streamyx's customer service. Period. Ish. GAh! Anyway, leaning onto something happier, I don't have to cry to sleep, and I'm starting to bake and cook stuff. I only wonder, how long can this happy side of me live on?

Well, just wait and see I guess :)

*Btw, I apologize for my angry posts; I'm taking them back because at that time, I wasn't thinking straight. Some of it are true, but I just don't know how to make things better, and I've tried. Hard enough or not, that's not for me judge I guess. Hopefully, there would be a miracle that can make me smile again =)

Missing you, though there's nothing that I do now that makes you any better, hopefully you try to put urself in my shoes too. Please take care of yourself..

Sunday, August 06, 2006

It hurts...

It hurts so much, I really can't take it sometimes. I try to be considerate, understanding but I can't do anything anymore. My mind is blank, and all I think is the great times and affection; and in return find out that, there is no way I can do it because, I'm not appreciated anymore.

I really wished that there was a time machine, and have the power to erase all the mistakes. I've forgiven, but not forgotten, and for me to feel emo, sad and angry is only human. I'm sure "you" know how it feels as well.

It just makes me wonder sometimes, what I'm living on or for?...The one thing that I've lived for has deserted me and left me in this state. It feels like being thrown into a deep ocean where it's dark and scary. It feels like I'm drowning in it.

I did not do anything wrong, but yet this happened...the fact that i let go, is because I love...

But now even when I want you to be happy, or myself to be happy for example, it can't be done, coz wounds have been dug in so deep...If only I knew how to be a better person by being happy and alright for this, I think it would ease you the pain...

Then again, one can only be so noble rite?

Secrets revealed

Somehow, God wants me to touch things which I'm not supposed to touch. Finding things which I'm not supposed to know, all on my own. He is showing me things that I have rights to know about and honestly speaking, it bloody hurts.

I'm finding pictures, photos, msges..etc, all at one go. I wonder how much I'll find out because the truth is out there, and even if I didn't know right on the spot, sooner or later, it'll all come out. Sigh, more lies, more pain, more things breaking now MORE than ever.

Pathetic. Not sorry. Excuses. Typical. Coward. Not compassionate. Assuming. Full of bullshit. Liar.

Dare? ; Go figure.

Just when I start to trust you again, I find something I don't want to see. Call it "trying", but I think otherwise. Betrayed is what I feel right now.

Friday, August 04, 2006

High self-esteem

High self-esteem: a case believing too much in oneself. Confidence, poised, likable, optimistic, positive-thinking and all the feel good chemistry are some of the traits of a person with high self-esteem. Parents are advisable in telling their children to build self-esteem; I can't help but wonder if it's okay to have too much self-esteem. Confidence, is a good thing to have in oneself. Good self-esteem helps us to socialize and think positively. Too much confidence = arrogance. People who are like that normally do not notice the difference between being confident or arrogant.

Why? They have to prove themselves all the time to others; so terribly insecure that they have to put others down to push their ways to the top. And guess what, the only cure to high self-esteem is tuning it so low to the extent of zero self-esteem. How so?, one would ask. Because when you reach the exalted state of no self-esteem, you discover that you are nothing, but that also means you have nothing to lose.Best of all, it's not just about self,self, self. Put it this way: low self-esteem= people who think they are "worthless" human being while high self-esteem= people who think they are "worthwhile" human being.The only balance is to have none at all.

It's a complicated thing, this self-esteem issue. I'm a living example of unclassified self-esteem. There are times when I feel pretty damn good about myself- even without a single touch of make-up, I think I'm prettier than those who try too hard to look like a doll. But I was easily intimidated by girls who look like this:Haha.Lol. That is vanity people. And pictures can be oh so deceptive. Sure, anyone feels good to look good but "charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting." We all have strengths and weaknesses.But until we let go of our self-esteem and pride and spend lesser time looking over our benefits and what only concerns us, we will never grasp the full meaning of being one-self.

So much for being vain eh? :)

*edit: eh i forgot to put credits to the blogger who wrote this. I altered it a lil coz I see it another way, but overall; same concept la. HAAHAH!! OMG im so mean. the blogger's weebie is http://www.xanga.com/chronic_klutz. I'm so sorry I didn't post this up earlier. I forgot -.-" The pics might not be the same coz I thought of just changing it hahaa. But don't take it personally, I really forgotten.
PS: thanks Ethan for commenting on the blog. You reminded me lol!

Ironic

Heck. I'm so screwed up you don't know how screwed up I am. It's ironic relating to the last post about life experiences etc.

Yeah, I may not have th 'biggest' problem in the whole world, but I seriously need help. Psychologically. Cutting myself last time was already bad enough and I was made to promise some ppl that I wouldn't anymore. Crying myself to sleep doesn't help much either because in the morning it has withdrawal symtomps. Blogging doesn't really help much either; I can't blog about anything happy nowadays so I didn't post it up. Asking a good friend to listen or something does help a little, but the problem is me. So how? Call me an attention seeker, but at least I'm looking for solutions.

This, is self-inflicted. I'm immune to the pain inside that it has become my comfort zone. I don't want to get out of it because I'm afraid of what might happen next. This year is by far the suckiest year. Ever. If ppl say I'm a nice person, why do bad things happen to nice ppl? Fuck, I cannot accept the fact that I'm so miserable here and I just cannot do anything straight.

At 17, I'm almost ruining my future. At 21? What will happen? If I can move on, great; but what if I can't? It's stupidity to the max. So you will ask me, if it's so stupid, why not, NOT be stupid and get a life? The same question goes to you. Because of this, I've lost everything expect my life and head. I've lost my confidence, while you have lots, I've lost my own self-trust, my fighting spirit, my heart, my will to live on. Why do I do this to myself, u'd ask: because these are things that came all at once. And frankly, whether I am conscious of what's happening what not, I don't know. Maybe I'm still in shock without knowing it. Ugh.

The only thing that keeps me in one piece is thinking about ppl who have 'bigger' problems than me. I always remind myself, I'm not the only one feeling like this right now. But you have no idea how much I need comfort and love right now...I've given so much only to find that it was taken for granted. But then again, I think of ppl who have shorter lives, serious illness and shit and I go like "Sigh, I cannot complain...but it hurts." That'll probably make me complain less but I still will once in a while.

Call me desperate, pathetic or watever I don't fucking care. Because once there was something that gave me hope, and now who knows whether it's false hope because my heart, is as cold as ice and an awakening call will probably take some time. Someone who wanted to love, and be loved back, to care and commit, but it was only me...who had that mind. I was left to drift off in the open sea, where at anytime, a creature would come and take me away. Call me stupid once again but that's how it is. But will it remain? I can't answer you yet.

One thing I've learn from this, is to never trust anyone easily or think that everything is sweet like sugar. I'm a hopeless romantic, I admit. That's who I am, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. "I don't want to hurt you" will not work in the future as I've seen the destruction that one sentence can do. Call me childish, naive in saying that watsoever, but I have my own mind, and I know why I thought like that. Everyone has their own opinion right?

This incident of mine, really have lots of mixed feelings. It disgusts me that I'm such a pathetic person, it hurts me that my happiness was taken away forcibly, it's remorseful that I did not see it coming, it's sad that I had to find out, it's tough that I have to go through it alone, it's unfair that I'm the one getting knocked out, it's unhealthy that I'm sleeping at 3.30am...and so much more that I can't write it down here.

Not even a guy who wants to date me will ease this feeling. Ice-cream could, but not guys. I've developed another phobia of getting hurt via relationships, I don't know what to do with myself. Tell me to wake up and ask myself questions like "What do you want?" "Do you like being like this?" etc, I've already did, and I can honestly tell you if I answer it now, I'm lying to myself.

"When a girl is quiet, a million things are running through her head." It's no wonder that whenever someone asks me to express my feelings or tell my story, or ask me "What's wrong", I cannot answer them. Too many things, too many mixed up rojak crap. Well, now you know. In a way, I'm selfish, but who isn't? I've given too much to others that now I want something for myself. It's not that I want something in return because I gave; I just want you to take notice and take responsibility.

How long will this feeling of mine last?
When actions do not fit with words, all I see is doubt, and for that you can't blame me.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Just dropped by, as I was passing by~

Well, I was reading some inspirational bloggies and found some quotes that were meaningful...
like:-

"You know you truly love someone when you want him to be happy. Even if his happiness means that you’re not a part of it."
=> It is painful to know you're not part of it, but who knows, if it was meant to be, he/she will see that love, that was meant to be. The willingness to sacrifice your own happiness, your own selfish-ness, just to make him/her happy.

"True love isn’t shown at the best of times, it’s shown at the worst of times."
=> I think this is very true. If they could stand during the worst of times, they have withstood the test of commitment. During the best of times; it's so wonderful there isn't any challenge in it. But when the worst of time comes; What are you going to do about it? When times are bad, will you just bail out?

Just this morning, I read this blog that had a post on living a purposeful live relating to a HIV-positive patient cum student cum teenager. It was a touching story and very inspiring. It really opens our minds and tell us that we are in no position to complain about petty things. If you want to read it, here's the link http://www.eeleen.com/.

Living life to the fullest doesnt only have to mean that you have to try everything. But make the best out of things and do things that you love first. We obviously can't do so many things at once; but try to make the best out of it. Living life to the fullest is when you cherish the people and things around you. To spice up things, make it "living a purposeful fufilling life". Set goals, and achieve them.

Some people tend to be meticulous about everything from, education to living their own lives. They're so detailed about everything that they don't feel the fun anymore. Not to say that we shouldn't stop by to smell the flowers but no everyone of them. As for me, I can tell you that I'm a meticulous person, and also a perfectionist; that is why I know the feeling.

I guess it's time to spice up my life with something exciting and maybe spontaneous. I know my "perfection" habit will be hard to overcome but, who knows...maybe in college? :)

I had a convo with Joel last night and he said something enlightening but funny.
"Even when you want to give up or move on or lose, do it in style." -Joel

hahahaha!! Well said. Thanks =)

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I wanna be just like.. the grown up kittens :P

Introducing the hot, sexy, playful, cheeky, grown up KITTENS :P hAhahaha
Well, you can't deny their hotness, and bodies can u?
So many gals would really just dream to be like them ~~ *sshhh I'm one of them*

Album cover shot. The best u could ever get :P

Love this pic =) Very cute and hot! Love the legs >"<

Somehow, I feel that this pic has something wrong. It's not right. Something looks weird.... can you spot it?

Looks cute instead of sexy. But still its the grown up kitties :P

I seriously wonder what they do to keep their hotness in them! What kind of workout, diet and activities? I really wanna know. But as it is, their born with their assets, skinny legs and a nice physical appearance =3 *In my heart: GOD! Why didn't u make me like them? :( * hehehe. Nolarh! I think I am lucky enough to be as normal as u can get =)

Love me for who I am,
Not what I have,
For you will regret,
If you ever asked for... That.

Nicole Scherzinger, Carmit Bachar, Ashley Roberts, Jessica Sutta, Melody, Thornton, Kimberly Wyatt you guys are hot! Love the moves and the grooves. Keep on bringing the music xD

No matter...

Okay, suddenly I was emo again... and therefore a poem popped up =.=
Read it if u like poems and not take it personally pls.

No matter how much I cry,
You never meant to stop by,
The only thing you'll hear,
Will always be my sigh,
Not sighs of sadness;
Nor sighs of dread,
It's the sighs of disappoinment,
Running through my head...

No matter how much I hope,
No matter how hard I try to cope,
It always ends in vain;
Every amount of effort - goes down the drain,
It's almost like I'm chasing an endless train...

No matter what I do,
No good; it'll come to,
Because whatever I do,
Has never been enough for you.

Why so? - You've never seen me through, and all I can do is wait...

*It sucks being emo.. and now that I've let it out, I'm fine haha. I'll try and post something nicer later on. Toodles =)

Guess who?

Everyone, I woud like you to meet...

You Are a Beagle Puppy



Cheerful, energetic, and happy go lucky.

And you're sense of smell is absolutely amazing!

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

Yes.. meet me =) A beagle puppy! Cute rite? :P
But I was thinking, if I could be any other dog breeds, What would I choose? LoL... Here are the results :D
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Candidate #1
*Yawn~~* "I'm sleepy...Please.. just... go away..."..*Yes I know I'm too cute to look at :P*
"Uh... ??"
2 cute golden retriever puppies *kawaii

Candidate #2
"Hey! What chu lookin' at?!"
A cheeky labrador =)

Candidate #3
"Be afraid ppl! Here comes the ultimate cuteness of me ! xD".. *I will dominate the WORLD!*
Hahaha!!! So cuteeee the face.........!! round round...round and round.. argh! I wanna squeeze u!
Shih Tzu :D

Keys

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.
What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I don't think marriage is confining when you know how to handle things. Life, is easy to live. It is us that makes it complicated :)

What kind of writer am I? Check this out =)
You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways.
And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery...
Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever.
You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.
What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Oh lala. Watch out ppl. I is a poet in ze makin!
Thoughtful and true,
Happy but sometimes blue,
Open to anything new,
Beware of my poet crew.

AHahhaha!! What is THAT?! Randomly written in like... less than a minute? Lol! Spontaneous :> Me likes

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

It may be words, but it's funny =)

  • A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!
  • When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
  • My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
  • Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  • A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
    The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
    The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
    The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
  • I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
  • So one day as a kid I was at the local Zoo. I was bored and kept pestering my Dad to go and play. Eventually he agreed, took me over to the lion enclosure, threw me in and said: "There ya go, play dead..."
  • A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"
    "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"
  • I once made love to a female clown, and she twisted my penis
    into a poodle.
  • Last christmas my sister, Geri, gave me a lovely Cloth calendar. It only took me 5 hours to sew in a Doctor's appointment...
  • Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
  • I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
  • My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
  • I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
  • You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
  • Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
  • The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
  • To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
  • Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
  • My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
  • My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.
  • He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.
  • What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
  • The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
  • When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

Well, I laughed my arse off when I read these. Hope you did too..or maybe more ? :P U know what I mean xD

Handsome hunks :P

Baldie! Vin Diesel lol .. he loooks so bulky but sitll kewl =P

Takeshi Kaneshiro. Japanese mixed are hot =) Lurveeeee

Sean Farris (Model) Hot body wei... *Drool

Chad Murray (One tree hill)

Paul walker
Orlando Bloom

David Beckham

Brad Pitt a.k.a the coolest dad =P

Hitori de iru no toki, nani o suru no ni tanoshii desu ka?

What fun things do ppl do when they're single?
What things can they do to heal a broken heart?
What things can they do to be happy and fun again?

Anyone knows?
I know some, but I'm still open to whatever suggestions =)
Neway, was just wondering...frm other ppl's point of views and stuff.
Feel free to tell me !

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Letting it free,
To roam the seas,
IT's not an easy task,
You have to agree.

But it's taking too long,
For me to stay,
I'd rather be gone,
and start a new day...

I will still hope,
I will still mope,
But when all is better,
All those above won't really matter,
As long as promises are kept,
As long as you tell the truth,
A new beginning will arise,
With happiness and suprise!-
A new sense of depth...
After the aftermath...