Wanna know my lil' secret?: To: The love of my life...once upon a time...

This will be the reply from our previous conversation.

First of all, writting my hatred and my thoughts in this blog, wasn't meant to burn you to hell. You said you loved me, and said there was a future. For months and months, I held on to your words believing its truth. During that process, many other things happened. Jealousy sometimes kicked in, sometimes I get the feeling that I'm losing my own pride and dignity; I don't know what goes on in that little head. I just couldn't share you like this. Through this kind of method. It was painful and hard but it happened anyway.

You told me you had strong feelings for me. You hinted that the one was me. You flirt without any worries of what would become if it got carried away. Knowing that I had feelings for you, and knowing how deep I loved you, did you really think you're doing things for the best? Or maybe think about some things you said that could have meant nothing to you but somethin to me? I believed that u were trying to close to me. But I'd ruin it most of the times. I didn't know what would happen if once again, I was close. I was scared. Paranoid. I asked things which I shouldn't and ruin the mood. I wouldn't say it's all your fault coz I also asked about it. Therefore it was me who destroyed a part of myself.

You say that my blog was my weapon. You didn't understand me then. What I wrote, out of anger or hatred, was merely at moments when I felt confused. Unwanted. Unloved. Lost. Look at it this way. You have 2 people loving you. I had no one; in a special manner. I didn't have you not as in a possession but someone who just loves me and wants to move in life together. I dind't have that. And maybe because I felt that you were her, I couldn't express myself properly, and accept your loving gestures. I thought you loved me, but then I couldn't be so sure anymore. I was insecure and I was scared. I was scared that you would bombard me with more sadness which I can't take. I was scared that one day you might just disappear from me, and I'd regret not telling you that I couldn't take it anymore. I knew the pressure you had though you didn't show. Sometimes, I refrain from asking. I stayed strong. Like you, no one knows what goes on in my head or when I'm alone. I try not to sob. For you. I tried to be happy. For you and me.

I tried to be fun. I tried to be myself. Maybe that's why I wasn't afraid to post the angry posts up. Have you ever seen it my way? Because it's clear that you think I don't know whats happening at your side of the story. I ask you things but you refuse to tell me only leaving me to assume to myself. Because you always think that it will either ruin me or ruin the mood or just ruin your day. And you think that I will always not understand and think differently. But the difference is...If you said something, I would have known what's going on instead of leaving me in the dark. It doesn't ease my restlessness. I wanna know not to kpc in ur stuff, but give myself a release from pain. But I don't blame you for not telling. You had your reasons and I asked no further. Then again, I don't blame you coz you gave hints. It was me who wanted you to say it out instead of givin hints. I just couldn't bear seeing you with another. It hurt me and led me to say things I later on regretted.

But not everything that happened was bad. I could see that you cared. I could see that you were living in remorse. I didn't know how to get to you. I wanted to be part of your life again. Not someone watching from the outside. But I couldn't be there for you and I've hated myself everyday for that. I've always tortured you with comments that were filled with uncertainties and resulted in you thinking that I don't want to be close to you anymore. I do. I was just very unsure of what I'm getting myself into. You have to understand... it wasn't easy opening up to anyone.

For 4 months, you can ask any of your friends. I've been damn loyal to you. I've always made reasons and opinions to defended your situation. I've always stood by you even if you didn't see it or think so. They told me that I'm an idiot. They told me that I was being played. They told me I was insurance. Don't you think that those things can get to me? For someone holding half the burden for you, I didn't mind, and I let them say things until they finally gave up on me. Don't you think those things contributed to my confusion as you couldn't tell me whats on your mind? Don't see you see why now I needed your reassurance once in a while so that I don't go crazy and probably you would have gotten less "stress" from me as I wouldn't be so assuming towards you. It's not the hints that could have ease me pain... it was sincere words expressed. But I didn't wanna push you into saying things you don't want to coz I don't want you to drift away. But now, only noticing my actions through reflections, that I've realized I did something terrible. I know sorry won't do it. I don't blame you.

"Even if I cared...even it was the small things that count...I don't see any gestures from you that shows you accept my actions or you still want to be with me. I didn't get any security, and I felt in my position I will lose everything with nothing to gain. AND being human, it's only normal that people can be selfish with some of their own needs. I needed protection. I felt very open to be attacked." You weren't there to hold me and tell me it's okay anymore.

When you told me what you wanted to do today, imagine how heartbroken I was. I know it doesn't really matter to you anymore. You made me feel so bad for writting things that were actually of no bounds. I was free to write, but I would admit...I didn't think before writting. It was cruel and it stung hard on u. For that, I'm sorry.

Even if I were to seek forgiveness now, or start anew, it wouldn't be the same anymore. I've never gotten over you and I am hurt by the way you conclude about me. The anger in me was acceptable to you and yet you took them seriously. But I guess everyone would if people are writting bad things about them. Sometimes people can say things they don't mean when they're angry. They don't think clearly. I'm sorry if you thought that I intentionally wanted to hurt you. But I didn't and you know it.

Before you leave, here are some things I want to say...

I've never meant to say those things at the spurr of the bad moments. I may have seen some true colors but I don't think that you are a bad person. I'm very lost and sad and broken down in tears to know that you are leaving. But this time I won't force you to stay, neither will I stop you from going. But always bear in your mind, I've never ever lost my love for you. Even now when things are a mess, and you see me as if I'm being a bitch. Like you said once, "If only we could go back in time..." I'm sure we would have been great.

I've repeatedly tortured our fragile relationship till now it has not much of a substance left. If there's a way where we could reconcile, let that be one day. We're both too broken to with hold anything.

It's a shame that for now, things are over and done with. I've said many bad things that I did not mean out of doubts, and in the end, the result was a broken soul- you.

Nothing I say or do, will ammend the stabs and wounds I've installed in you. But one last time, I'm asking you to forgive me. I've misunderstood you, and I will miss you dearly. Every night I listen to that one record I have in my hp, about you telling me that you love me... about me bein jealous and the laughter behind it. Even when I slept at 5am, I listened to it before I slept. Once in a while, I look at the photo I have in my room, the family photo that had so much happiness in it. Everytime I feel as if I'm going to kill myself, I read the one story you've sent me. Till today, it's still here.

I will miss you very much. I've been missing your embrace since the day this nightmare occured. I so wish that you can come back, but I know it won't happen for now, because you need to find yourself. I'd understand. That's why I let you go in the first place. And I don't think you remember that night when it was so hard for me to do so, on the phone. Maybe u do..

I've often thought, maybe I shouldn't have done that. But what's done is done. The hurtful things you say, I choose not to believe and so I won't start now. I hope that from now, everytime you read this blog, you will see something that can help brighten your day. Now, you look at me as just a person, just a girl that you loved...when all I wanted was to be by your side and go through life together. But clearly I have not been able to do that successfully, and it resulted in you breaking down emotionally into pieces.

I know sorry to you is just a word. But after what you've said, I felt very bad. I should have stayed by your side when times were bad, but I didn't and I sucked. I only wish for time to heal that broken soul inside of you. I'll pray every night for you. So please, don't forget the times, that was once a fairy tale. I hope that the friendship we have now, will stay as it is. Though not special anymore, but it still exists. I would always treasure and remember you in my heart.

Even now we're stagnant, it's best not to shrug each other away anymore. I've heard your side and I've seen a whole new picture. If you ever need a hug, I'll be there. I hope I can make it.

My heart's with you, always have...and I hope you do well.

"My words can be a "killer" but my true feelings, kills the killer." - Sarah --> Hx (It's to u) If you don't understand it, ponder then. Forgive me once again, for I was the killer who murdered the only thing left sane in you.

I <3 You