Being the "perfect" daughter

I got fucked up today.

Not literally.

Reason?

I didn't lift a "finger" to help my mom.

Okay, I'll admit; She looked bloody pms-ing today and I was too afraid to even speak to her, because I know that when she's in a foul mood, convos with her never goes right. * I speak from experience * She said that I left things for her to do. Like what?! Leaving my cup on the table? I barely used anything today expect for my music and the room upstairs. So how can I leave something for you to clean up after? Furthermore, it's your choice for wanting to do it? Or is it coz you feel an obligation to do so? Great, even your own choices gets tracked back down to blaming it all on me. Well, newsflash, I can take whatever it is because you've always been like that.

And knowing my conscience and heart is weak, I normally obey, not wanting to disappoint you. But then you go like, "are you doin this coz we asked you to or do you want to do it?" Hah. Go figure it out. I'm pretty sure you're not that thick.

So yeah, she worked her "ass" off today and blamed me for the leftovers. For example- food? I had dinner around 9 ish and I don't know who ate after me but the bottom line is, I did not clean up after I ate. And I also didn't eat with my parents coz I was busy dancing and I wasn't hungry at all. So yeah, I got scolded for wanting to do my own thang.

Nvm. I still can take it. And frankly, I seriously thought it was my fault. How stupid of me.

Then, my mom claims that she has to "beg" me to do things such as, chores. Folding the clothes, hanging the clothes, washing the dishes, etc. She SO did not beg and normally I'll do it. It is the minor times where I didn't and she picked that moment to spill all the blame on me. Saying I'm not helpful to the family and I'm a very inconsiderate person, etc.

Moving on...

My dad "needed" to speak to me, on behalf on my mom. So he "stressed" a point when he said "I'm supposed to go to sleep right now, coz I've been working the whole day and I'm dead tired." So I go like, "Okay, why don't you go to sleep then?" ... He said "No, coz I need to talk to you". And I went, "Uh..okay."

Then we talked and talked. To be honest, he picked the wrong time (Not like there's a perfect time anyway, being a teen which has her own beliefs and all)... I was frustrated that my mom was being childish. Reason is because, she got pissed at me not helping her and all, that when I'm around, she makes sure that I can hear she's pissed off. Putting things down, with brute force, walking like a gorilla, etc. She asked us not to do it and here she is, being childish. What an example? And the thing is, I didn't even talk back at her. See? As I was saying, this was one of the days where she was in a foul mood.

So, my dad had to ruin my moment of peace- when he started to talk to me. Finally, I said, "You know what, since you think that I'm not doin any good with my life, why not you take control? Why not you chuck me somewhere where they'll teach you how to "not have fun" and get all geared up for your damn future?"

He kept quiet.

Then I continued...

"Okay, why not we do it this way. You know I love to dance, I like languages, and I like music. If I go all out and search out every damn information you need to sign me up, would you do it? I get all the juice bout what I love to do, and what I have in mind to pursue, and all you have to do is SIGN ME UP. Can you do that, without probing into the "purpose-sy speech"? Can you not ask me what good it'll do for me in the future? Not now when I"m just starting to get into it. Let me enjoy what I like to do with my terms since you're not happy with the person I am now. If you can do that, it's all good with me."

He said "Okay, we'll see how it goes." But being my dad, I knew that wasn't an agreement. But I was too tired and I was too worked up to have a civilized convo with him and I decided to leave it at that.

But on the contrary, I want to state down some things.

1) Here are the list of things that I'll "sacrifice" so that my parents could have a better picture perfect daughter.
- 8.30-9.30pm; No watching my show.
- Wake up to hang clothes.
- Cook lunch, abandon my music hour to help cook.
- My dance sessions cut short by an hour, coz obviously I'll be dead tired and I have to savor my energy to "help".
- I'll just sit around and read a book, and wait for some "command" to do chores.
- I will sit on the dinner table even when I don't like it and when I'm not hungry at all.
- Make sure, work is done by 6pm.
- 7-8pm work my "ass" off helping to cook dinner. OR probably just cook the damn dinner and get on with it.

2) Just put on a smile all day, just so you know that I'm still alive and existent in the family.

3) Go to the library and get a whole set of refrence books, to read and digest it's "great" knowledge. Math, Lit, Science or watever, just so you know that I'm not stupid.

... There?

Hope that your "perfect" daughter will evolve soon. If not, I guess you probably didn't see the effort I put in anyway. If perfect meant doing the things I love and being a happy person, then I don't see you percepting it that way. It's more like, getting "A's" and getting scholarships. Or probably letters of recomendations.

I bet you are wondering why I'm so foul towards my own family. Truth is, I was never foul with them until the day they made choices for me that I never wanted. Until the day where they gave me the full liberty to school on my own. I told them I couldn't but they didn't take any serious measures at all. Guess it wasn't so important huh? If you think it's important, do me well and take in consideration what I've said to you, dad. Agree with my for once and I gurantee you things will be better and you would see a happier side of me. As of now, I'm beginning to feel like a burden in the family. I'm a lost kid. Help me find my identity before I can no longer contain my anger and my despair of my life, knowing that I cannot pursue what I love, with your support.

It's time that I've become selfish. It's the only way to wake you up. Not only I want to pursue my loves, but also I need that sense of security. And, to know that for 3 years, you have not notice that security that I need. I'm actually feeling quite invisible. Not only have I voiced it out, but I've also shown that I needed that one thing. I have not asked for anything material. Maybe it's time that I do since things I do don't get noticed anyway. I worked for my own fun. And even that I cannot do without a certain consent. I know when you were young, at 12, you've probably started working. But do you want me to learn the values or go through what you did? Don't send me wrong signals because I may just confused myself literally and go nuts. Being a parent, isn't what you want for your children, the best of things? Well, wake up. I'm not having the best of support. If only you could heed my suggestions and not ask questions, maybe you'll see a new me.

And after all this, you'd probably ask why I can't do it on my own. The main reason is financial. I have the passion and I can get all the info. But I cannot pay my dues. So how? Don't pursue? You must be kidding. So, sign me up for the things I need. I'm already begging. Isn't that enough to show you how much I want it. Please, for God's sake. Wake the blardy hell up!

One head less to support. Maybe I should just "grow-up" to be a grown up just like you want me to be. I will never be able to enjoy what I love to do because when I asked it to be on my terms, you make it a big deal. So where are going again?
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Nowhere.