Ironic

Heck. I'm so screwed up you don't know how screwed up I am. It's ironic relating to the last post about life experiences etc.

Yeah, I may not have th 'biggest' problem in the whole world, but I seriously need help. Psychologically. Cutting myself last time was already bad enough and I was made to promise some ppl that I wouldn't anymore. Crying myself to sleep doesn't help much either because in the morning it has withdrawal symtomps. Blogging doesn't really help much either; I can't blog about anything happy nowadays so I didn't post it up. Asking a good friend to listen or something does help a little, but the problem is me. So how? Call me an attention seeker, but at least I'm looking for solutions.

This, is self-inflicted. I'm immune to the pain inside that it has become my comfort zone. I don't want to get out of it because I'm afraid of what might happen next. This year is by far the suckiest year. Ever. If ppl say I'm a nice person, why do bad things happen to nice ppl? Fuck, I cannot accept the fact that I'm so miserable here and I just cannot do anything straight.

At 17, I'm almost ruining my future. At 21? What will happen? If I can move on, great; but what if I can't? It's stupidity to the max. So you will ask me, if it's so stupid, why not, NOT be stupid and get a life? The same question goes to you. Because of this, I've lost everything expect my life and head. I've lost my confidence, while you have lots, I've lost my own self-trust, my fighting spirit, my heart, my will to live on. Why do I do this to myself, u'd ask: because these are things that came all at once. And frankly, whether I am conscious of what's happening what not, I don't know. Maybe I'm still in shock without knowing it. Ugh.

The only thing that keeps me in one piece is thinking about ppl who have 'bigger' problems than me. I always remind myself, I'm not the only one feeling like this right now. But you have no idea how much I need comfort and love right now...I've given so much only to find that it was taken for granted. But then again, I think of ppl who have shorter lives, serious illness and shit and I go like "Sigh, I cannot complain...but it hurts." That'll probably make me complain less but I still will once in a while.

Call me desperate, pathetic or watever I don't fucking care. Because once there was something that gave me hope, and now who knows whether it's false hope because my heart, is as cold as ice and an awakening call will probably take some time. Someone who wanted to love, and be loved back, to care and commit, but it was only me...who had that mind. I was left to drift off in the open sea, where at anytime, a creature would come and take me away. Call me stupid once again but that's how it is. But will it remain? I can't answer you yet.

One thing I've learn from this, is to never trust anyone easily or think that everything is sweet like sugar. I'm a hopeless romantic, I admit. That's who I am, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. "I don't want to hurt you" will not work in the future as I've seen the destruction that one sentence can do. Call me childish, naive in saying that watsoever, but I have my own mind, and I know why I thought like that. Everyone has their own opinion right?

This incident of mine, really have lots of mixed feelings. It disgusts me that I'm such a pathetic person, it hurts me that my happiness was taken away forcibly, it's remorseful that I did not see it coming, it's sad that I had to find out, it's tough that I have to go through it alone, it's unfair that I'm the one getting knocked out, it's unhealthy that I'm sleeping at 3.30am...and so much more that I can't write it down here.

Not even a guy who wants to date me will ease this feeling. Ice-cream could, but not guys. I've developed another phobia of getting hurt via relationships, I don't know what to do with myself. Tell me to wake up and ask myself questions like "What do you want?" "Do you like being like this?" etc, I've already did, and I can honestly tell you if I answer it now, I'm lying to myself.

"When a girl is quiet, a million things are running through her head." It's no wonder that whenever someone asks me to express my feelings or tell my story, or ask me "What's wrong", I cannot answer them. Too many things, too many mixed up rojak crap. Well, now you know. In a way, I'm selfish, but who isn't? I've given too much to others that now I want something for myself. It's not that I want something in return because I gave; I just want you to take notice and take responsibility.

How long will this feeling of mine last?
When actions do not fit with words, all I see is doubt, and for that you can't blame me.