Changes

There was once someone told me that everything is going to be okay, think positive, be happy and always cared for me.

There was once someone who always stood by my side no matter what, how hard or how complicated the situation.

There was someone who understood to love unconditionally, sincerely but yet stay sane to tolerate and learn from mistakes made or annoying situations made by me.

There was someone I could talk to, whenever, wherever and about whatever. Fun, yet interesting convos.

There was a person I who gave me the best of everything, who knew me better than anyone else, who told me that the future is bright and it has been 100% for sure.

There was a person who stood committed once, and slowly got eaten into the temptations of lives.

There was a person who was like a prince.

I guess I've been living my own fairy tale. Not 100% real or unreal. Merely a fantasy. People change, and sometimes they can change rapidly. Dramatically all of a sudden, you see a different person. But that is growing up I guess. Maybe there is a line between changing for the better, bad, naughty, changing towards being the norm, or just plainly experimenting.

I've always put high hopes on the value 'understanding'. I always thought it could be resolved. I was always ready for whatever obstacles that may come and I always thought that we could go through it and learn from it together. But looks like there were many times we weren't on the same wavelength. I don't blame anyone. It's just being human. As you grow up, you want more things, crave for more explorations and you look at things from a different point of view.

What's in it for me to move on? Being carefree and happier.
Where the hell do I start from? Scratch.
Who would support me all the way? Currently, I don't know. You, you and you.
What do I have? Nothing but myself.
What is stopping me? My scar. My brain. My feelings. My fears.

It's like you fall down, you have this big wound on your leg; scratches, deep cuts, loose skin, blood, pain. You needed stiches. Say, 15. You need time to heal.

Then, you see your friends and peers playing football, basketball, even just walking, you want to join them. But you can't.

To some, I may just be stating all the excuses that can be made. Twist every single word. Unfortunately, I'm not. I feel alone, confused, hurtful and even physical pain that comes from no where. Near the chest, my head, and my stomoch. I know I'm not falling sick but yet the pain never seems to leave me. I'm not daunting on the problems that exists right now, but neither can I help myself in being a happier person. Every time I'm happy, after a while, relapse comes and I dwell in it again.

I'm not the playmaker, nor am I the player, but it seems like I'm being played. I don't understand myself and how some people look at things. I've played into the devil's hands and now I'm just a pathetic being wondering on the face of the earth.

I've given, forgiven and given again and again and again, but to no avail, no result. I don't want anything in return, but just an acknowledgement will do. See whether I even exist anymore.

How long will I take?
My heart never seems to be at ease.
I'm neither here nor there...so what does that mean? Maybe that is why I feel confused.

I feel like running away,
Running away, from all the problems,
For I when I break down at times,
No one understood,
But they only know how to shoot,
To shoot at the most fragile place,
The soul, the scar, the heart.

"I'm all by myself, trying to solve the problem of myself." - babychocolattes,06

P.S: Please, don't bother taking this post seriously. It's just one of those days where I feel the world owes me something and I just need to complain and let it out. I don't really care whether I'm right or wrong, it's just me expressing my thoughts and trying to debate it out within myself. If anyone thinks I'm pathetic, a loser, a non-move-on-with-life person, then I'm sorry that you feel that way. I'm not pointing anything at anyone. Period. Think one milimeter more and you would wonder all the wh-questions. So don't.

Heck, it is AFTERALL my blog.