Sweet bitterness

I am confused.

Sometimes, I don't know what I'm doing. For example, right now.

When I'm sad, or upset about something, I normally go into a silent mode. I don't talk to anyone, don't look happy, and more severely, I don't bother with anyone. I tend to ignore people. If I'm angry or upset with someone, I'll subconsciously ignore them, until later on, when I regret my actions for being so emotional. Though it does depend on the severity of the mistake.

So, to compensate that state with another, I can be upset with somebody and go hyper. I will start laughing very loudly, teasing people, pushing people or just laugh until I'm alone. Normally, I would like to be left alone after that episode. But leaving me alone doesn't mean you don't care at all. It's to know when to console. Wait till I calm my nerves, and care to listen to what you have to say. It's not something I'd ask for someone to do, but whoever reads this would probably understand better; how to manage someone like me.

I am hurt. Thus, the confusion. I can't think clearly now. I don't know what the bloody hell I'm doing. I'm sick. Not on the outside, but on the inside, I'm suffering a little. (Sickness ok, not heartache yada yada yada).

Right now, I'm trying to convince myself that I didn't do anything wrong. I have a right to feel this way after what I've seen. I don't know what it'll ever mean, until someone can explain it to me. Small little things that matter, remember.

Till then, do I have to remain confuse? I'm a person where curiosities must be fed. What do you think I should do?

P.s: It's not fun ignoring you. I did it for my own sake. Didn't want to get emotional when other people are around. Don't be so insensitive and say it was fun. I thought you would have something nicer to say. But I'm still sorry. Sorry for trying to contain my confusion. I was in the blur and insane.

Sorry, if you've felt I did it on purpose.